Ketchup is God's man juice
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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