i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
