don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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