I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
