Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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