She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
