why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
