last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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