Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
