mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
