I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
