just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
