my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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