Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
