dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
