Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
