Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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