I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
