i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
