i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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