god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
