hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
