Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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