I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
