11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
