This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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