btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
