The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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