Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
