the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
