He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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