apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
