Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
