If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think i got beer on your cat.
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