dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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