I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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