So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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