Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
