You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
