when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
