I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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