the condom got lost in my hair
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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