Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
