my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
