She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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