I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
