Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
