mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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