Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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