would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
