for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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